Thoughts of Love...but not like you think

Look at that, another blog already! Maybe I am (finally) getting back onto my pattern. Okay, the topic for the day is...wait for it...love. Ah, love. The feeling that creates illusions of tiptoeing through clouds, oblivious to the world below and around you. Having never experienced this emotion, all that I can know about it is what I've seen and read about. And that leads me to my issue. I didn't realize for a long time that it was an issue, but I'm becoming more aware that it is, in fact, a wide-spread pandemic that corrupts the minds of those it touches.

Let me start from the beginning. I was on the treadmill the other day, letting my mind frolic in a meandering way through flights of fancy, and I began thinking about why teenage romances are so popular among people (mostly female) of all ages. Why are we so drawn to the idea of young love? Why not old love, or mature love? What is it about the youth that appeals, other than the obvious distaste in general for age which only serves as a reminder of our own mortality? And then I started thinking about how teenage love is usually characterized. Typically, the boy and girl become completely obsessed with each other to some degree. Family, friends, school, nothing else is as important as this other person, their "soul mate." The very reason for their existence on the planet is wrapped up in this one individual. Any time where they are separated is deemed as empty space, a waiting period until they can be rejoined with the one they love so desperately.

Is that really what love is? Real life teaches us that, no, it's not like that at all. The best and healthiest relationships that I've seen are when there is a balance between time together and time apart. The strongest relationships I've seen are when they don't need to constantly be with each other to prove their love. They each have their own lives, in which the other is inextricably twined without completely dominating everything. In fact, couples that neglect everything and everyone in their lives for the sake of the person they claim to love usually end up exhausting themselves or the other person at some point. And when that point comes, they have nothing left in their life to fill the void.

So why, if we know this, do we perpetuate the myth that another person can be the answer to your quest for self worth? If you can just find that one person who was meant for you, your life will have meaning, and you'll finally be happy. Bulls**t. The truth, as far as I can see, is that having another person in your life, no matter how important that person might be, will not ultimately affect your outlook on life or your concept of yourself. If you were miserable before you were married, why do you think you'll suddenly be singing like Maria from the Sound of Music after you have a ring on your finger? It's sure fun to sing about "climbing every mountain," but unless you have the inner strength to actually do it, you'll find yourself either huffing at the bottom while everyone goes ahead, or force others to carry the burden of your weight as you attempt to schlep along, fostering resentment in them with every step.

So again, I ask, why do we delude ourselves with these unrealistic expectations? The answer, of course, is as simple as it is unpalatable. The only one we really need is God. He created us with a sense of dependency, of the knowledge that there's something more to life beyond ourselves. He made us with a knowledge that everything we are, everything we need, comes from Him. We can never be too needy or too dependent on Him, because His love knows no end. When we pin all of our hopes on another person, we're trying to fit them into a place that only God can fill. This is a dangerous position for people to be in, because people simply are not God. Duh.

When I was a kid, I'd sometimes sit in a cardboard box (or the occasional paper bag) and pretend that I was in some kind of transport vehicle. Usually it was a car. Hey, I was a kid, not some creative genius. Anyway, despite how much fun I had playing in my box (or bag), when it was time to go somewhere, I'd get into the real thing. People who try to use another person to fill the God-void are like someone who is sitting inside a box, happily imagining all the places they'll go, only to realize at some point that they aren't actually going anywhere. Is it reasonable for them to then become upset that they haven't reached their destination? Is it the box's fault, or the idiot's for believing the box holds some magical transportive powers? Yet so many marriages break up because of the mistaken belief that the other person holds the keys to the universe, only to crumble when the truth comes to light.

Now, I'm not going to sit here and decry the need to have love in your life. Yes, we should have people to love. God made Eve for Adam, saying that it wasn't right for him to be alone. We need people around us to practice giving and receiving love and affection. The problem is when we elevate that person to God's place. Yes, we should love and trust people. Yes, we should let them into our hearts and allow for the merging of two separate lives. No, we should not believe that they can provide complete fulfillment of all out hopes and dreams. Companionship, yes. Fulfillment, no.

Thoughts of Next Year...And Beyond!

Okay, so I had a meeting with the "powers that be" about what I'd like to teach next year. Basically, one of the girls really likes my teaching style and I think she's probably prone to help me out as a result. While we were in Chiang Mai, she said that when she'd thought I'd be leaving for China, she'd thought about asking me to teach a class management workshop for some of the teachers to give them some ideas. Pretty cool. Anyway, on my intent form, I indicated that I'd like to teach any grade under third, including kindergarten. They wanted to talk to me about that, and I told them how I loved teaching kindergarten, but understood that they're more prone to place un-credentialed teachers there. Long story short, there are so many returning teachers this year that they're putting me in K1 (2-3 year olds) and placing me in a semi-supervisory position for the grade level. Pretty cool! I'm seriously so excited that it's a bit hard at times to remember that I still have to teach 3 more months before I can really start thinking about next year.

Speaking of 3 more months, I'm beginning to get a bit homesick. My nephew, Noah, is the one I'm missing the most. He's turning 4 next week. All I want to do is give him a huge hug and then tickle the life out of him so I can hear him laugh. I miss taking him for walks and singing with him. There are other people of course that I also miss--friends and family--but right now, I just want a hug from my Noah.

I haven't been on any adventures since my last update, which is not too unusual seeing as it was only about a week ago, and I'm battling a nasty bug that's been making the rounds around the school. As a result, my weekend was pretty laid back. We had a water fight at the end of school on Friday, which was a lot of fun. Saturday, I took the river taxi into Bangkok and got an awesome massage from my favorite place. They were having a special, so it was 90 minutes for 300 bhat, which is about $10 USD. Like I said, awesome. Other than that, I just rested and tried not to get any sicker. Bleh.

Plans for next year

Okay, I give in. I surrender the idea that I will ever be able to do the long accounts of what I've been up to. It seems that I'm constantly excited to blog about one adventure, but before it happens, I go on a new one. Then, I think that I can't record the new one because I haven't said anything about the previous one, and before I know it, I'm completely backed up and nothing is getting written. See why I don't keep a journal? So, rather than getting all wrapped up and writing nothing, I'll just stop by when I do have time at random moments to write about what I'm up to at the time.

Currently, the focus right now is on my plans for next year. As some of you know, I was flirting with the idea of teaching in China next year. The school I was looking at was awesome and had a lot of opportunities, but all I could think throughout the process was "I hope it's as awesome as GES." Then, I thought, "Hey, wait a minute, Self. If you like GES so much, why are you leaving?" Naturally, I had no answer for such a well thought out question, and so I've decided to teach another year at GES. Honestly, I truly do love my school, the people I work with, my students, and my new church community.

Speaking of my church, today was day 1 in a 12 week series based on the book The Search for Significance. As I just got the book today, I haven't read it yet. I'm looking forward to it, though, and I'm hoping to get a lot out of it.

In other news, I'm finally back on my exercise schedule (yay!) for the first time since October break. I've lost a lot of weight so far since I've been in Thailand, and I hope to lose even more. After all, I need to look hot for my friend, Zugey's, wedding in April!

Speaking of, I can't wait to be back in the States in 3 months. Thailand truly does feel like home, except for one important thing: family. I really miss my family, especially my nieces and nephews. I had a realization a few months back that my youngest, Abby Kate, will only know me as a face on a computer screen. I have no idea when or if I will live near family again. I thank God for modern technology, though. I can't imagine my only communication being through letters that take weeks to arrive. With Skype, I almost feel like I'm there. Except for the hugs. I miss the hugs.

Well, that's enough of my boring life for you. Sorry it's not filled with my time on the beach of Koh Sammed or my awesome time in Chiang Mai. Like I said earlier, I have to just write about things that I'm doing now. And what I'm doing now is waiting for my laundry cycle to finish. Ooh, thrilling!!