God is good--even when we forget

Well, it's certainly been a long time since I have updated this blog, so I have no idea if anyone will actually read this, but here it goes!

As 2016 begins, I've been looking back and reflecting on the past year.  I noticed some time ago that every year God tends to focus on an area in my life that needs redeeming.  I'm very grateful to Him for spacing it out!  During my past 6 years in Thailand, I've had years that focused on love, forgiveness, patience, and a whole host of other fruit that God has been cultivating in my life.  This year stands out quite a bit, though, as I've been terming the year as a season of Grief.

Many people hear the word grief and immediately draw back.  We don't like to feel grief.  it's uncomfortable, and we avoid it whenever we can, yet Jesus says:

"Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted." Matthew 5:4

 What I've found in this season is that there is indeed a beauty that comes through grief.  It has certainly been very uncomfortable, don't get me wrong.  In many ways, this has been the hardest year I've ever had for a variety of reasons.  I've experienced grief in many ways, through both work and in my personal life as well as in the traditional use of the word.  There have been many deaths this year.  My pastor back in California, unborn children of a dear friend, the mother of a student I used to teach, and most recently, a man I consider family who was suddenly taken away from us just after Christmas.  There was also the death of a marriage of a close family member.  All of these deaths affected me, even though I was not directly impacted.  There was nothing for me to do.  I did not even need to overcome the grief, as I was not the one being directly affected.  In many ways, I was truly helpless.  The only thing there was for me to do was to experience the grief.

That was it.

About midway through this season, I noticed what I thought God was trying to teach me.  In a tender revelation, I saw that there was indeed a certain beauty that came through the suffering.  By putting me in a place where I could do nothing but endure, He allowed me to have a heart that more and more resembled His.  He was seeking to grow my compassion.

I truly do wish that the resolve that I felt in that moment sustained me for the rest of the year, but in all honesty, it did not.  It was soon after this that my work situation became increasingly more stressful and that was all it took to draw my eyes away from the source of strength and onto my own insufficient power.

For some time now, I have felt a certain amount of pride in my ability to be a good teacher.  I love teaching, and I happen to be pretty good at it.  I usually have very positive feedback from parents and administration that aids in this confidence.  I am a good teacher.

The past few months, however, I've felt like a failure.  As the dynamics and needs in my classroom grew beyond what I could handle, I grew increasingly stressed and shut off.  I shut myself off of God as well as those around me, all the time wondering why I felt so alone.  In many ways, I felt justified with my stress--it was a legitimately difficult situation after all--yet all that was really just a distraction.  If my joy and my strength truly come from God, then I needed to rely more on Him and less on myself.  I would also need to forgive myself for not performing at the unbelievably perfect level that I sought.  Sadly, this acceptance is something I am still working on at present.

I was telling a friend of mine recently that I feel broken from this year.  As someone who has been strong for a long time, it's very unusual and discomforting to feel so weak, yet that is what I am.  I have learned more about my limits because I have reached the end of my strength.  That knowledge has broken me.

My friend was taken aback by the word, until I explained where it came from.  Here are some things that "broken" does not mean:

Irreparable

Permanent

Irredeemable

 When I use the word "broken" I think of Hosea 6:1-3

"Come, let us return to the Lord; for He has torn us that He may heal us; He has struck us down, and He will bind us up.  After two days He will revive us; on the third day He will raise us up, that we may live before Him.  Let us know, let us press on to know the Lord; His going out is as sure as the dawn; He will come to us as the showers, as the spring rain that waters the earth."

 It's a beautiful image that is repeated throughout nature.  One thing is destroyed so that it can be rebuilt as better than it had previously been.  Muscles tear to become stronger.  Caterpillars are destroyed and then reborn as butterflies.  Our God of Life brings new life to those who have none.

In Ezekiel 37, God brings the prophet to a valley of dried bones and has him prophesy over them.  The bones knit together, becoming bodies again.  God breathed new life into them, and the lived and stood as a great army.

So what does this mean in the life of one unimportant teacher?  It means that there is no level of brokenness I can get to where God is no longer able to raise me up.  So I am pressing on.  I am trusting in God to be my strength and my endurance, because He is good--even when we forget.

 

 

How Do You See Suffering?

Last weekend, I was invited to camp in the mountains of Northern Thailand with some new friends.  It was a great experience, and I loved meeting new people.  On the last day, I briefly exchanged a message with my dad, and he asked me if there was anything he could bring to the amazing men in his Bible study group.  I asked that I would be able to be a light for Jesus during the trip.  I was the only non-Thai person in the group, and the only Christian.

Now I have to confess, a lot of times I pray without expecting a clear or immediate response, so when God answers emphatically in response to prayer, I pay attention!

During the 12 hour drive back to Bangkok, I spoke with a friend who works for an NGO company.  We discussed an article I'd recently read regarding global aid and how there is not a one-size-fits-all magic cure to worldwide suffering.  Then, she turned to me and asked "how do Christians see suffering?"  This was it!  The moment I'd been praying for!  Of course, God has a funny way of speaking to you even while you're speaking to someone else.  So now, I'd like to share my musings with you.

When I spoke with MaMiaow, I decided it would be best to start at the beginning.  We talked about how God made the world perfect.  There was no sin, no suffering, no tears, no pain.  God made a paradise.  He asked Adam and Eve to love Him and trust Him, but forced love is not genuine love, so He gave them the choice: would they trust the One who gave them everything, who brought them into existence and invited them to have fellowship with Him, or would they trust their own sense of right and wrong?  They chose themselves.  When they chose themselves, they opened the door for pain, because that's exactly what a separation from God leads to.  And God, in His mercy, allowed death to keep us from suffering forever.

We live in a broken world.  It was not meant to be this way, which is why we are constantly trying to make things better.  It's also why we rebel against sickness and death.  It's not how we were created to be.

It seems hopeless, irredeemable,but nothing is too big for our God!  Nothing surprises Him.  He knew what Adam and Eve would do even before He created them.  He already had a plan in place.  The consequence of sin is death.  That's unavoidable.  To bring people out of sin without paying the price is to cheapen grace, to say that sin is not as dire as it really is.  It would make God impotent, a weak God who doesn't really mean what He says.

Sin demanded payment in blood, so God gave His own.  Jesus took our place, paid for our sins, so we could be made right in God's eyes and be with Him.

So how do we view suffering?

Suffering is a result of sin.  Even after we are washed clean by Jesus' sacrifice, we still make mistakes and suffer the consequences.  People around us sin, and we are affected by their actions.  Suffering arises because we are still broken people in a broken world.  

So what can we do about suffering?
 
Any reasonably moral person will answer that we need to help those around us who do not have as much as we do.  All religions tell us to be good people and to do good to others.  They may differ in how and to whom we should be kind to, but the dominant message is the same.  "Be good and good will come to you."  You don't need to be a Christian to help starving people, people who don't have enough food or clean water, people who live where disease runs rampant, where simply staying alive is a struggle.  Does it please God when people help each other?  Yes, I think it does, because He loves us.  The Old Testament is filled with instructions on how to be good to each other and live in good community.

But it's not enough.

As Christians, we know that there is no direct corre3lation between being good and receiving a reward.



Even people who deny Jesus is God's son, the Savior, cannot deny that He did good deeds.  He loved the people rejected by society, giving them aid and dignity.  He challenged people comfortable in their own self-serving ideas of righteousness.  If anyone should have reaped great rewards, it was Him.

But He didn't.  He was despised and rejected, nailed to a cross and crucified. 

He didn't receive a reward.

Or did He?

God's Providential Permission

A few days ago, while reading Oswald Chambers’s My Utmost for His Highest, he was discussing having a deep peace that is undisturbed by God’s “providential permission.”  As I was reading about how God allows certain things to happen with His permission, it brought to mind 2 stories from the Gospels.  

In one story, Jesus calmed the waves that were threatening to overturn the boat that He and His friends were in.  In that story, He calmed the storm with a simple word.  Instantly, the waves calmed and the wind died down.  Jesus proved that His power extended to Nature—which tends to obey Him so much more quickly and joyfully than we do.  

In another story, Jesus showed His power in a different way by walking on top of the water.  He commanded the rolling waves to bear up His weight, and they did—defying its natural way of being.  Peter saw the way that Jesus was in control of the situation, and longed to join His friend and savior.  Under Jesus’ command, the water bore up Peter’s weight just as it did His own.  

When Peter initially stepped out, he was focused on Jesus.  His heart was at peace and he was confident in where he was and who he was walking towards.  After a while, though, he became distracted.  He began to pay more attention to the wind and the waves than to the Creator of the air and water.  Like we so often do, Pete just didn’t get it, and he panicked.  Jesus had already proved that Nature herself obeyed Him.  Everything was under His providential permission.  

What struck me this time while recalling the familiar story was that Jesus was not asking Peter to calm the wind, as He had done earlier.  Neither did He calm the surroundings to make it easier for Peter to focus without distraction.  He didn’t calm the chaos, though it was within His ability, but instead invited Peter to enter in to His peace.  The peace offered was so complete that the wind and waves wouldn’t matter.  Everything pales when compared to Christ’s love and compassion.

We are not called to escape the chaos and uncertainty of life, neither are we called to calm it—at least not in all situations.  Instead, we are called to find such inner peace in Christ that even as the world swirls around us, we continue, undeterred, along the path God has set us on.  

A few years back, God and I had a bit of a struggle, as I was bitter about not having received what I thought was my right.  I was under the misguided assumption that if I followed God and allowed Him to rule over all areas of my life, He would reward me with the things that I thought were good—in this case, a husband, children, and a home.  I was upset that after a lifetime of devoting myself to good things, I had little in the way of the world to show for it.  “Where is my reward?” I would cry out.  “Where are the good things that I want?  I see other people who have what I want, why don’t I have it?”

After some time of being honest with myself that I was feeling this in my heart, I was finally able to hear His answer.

“My child, I never promised you any of those things.  I never said that you would have a husband or children.  I never promised that you would have safety or comfort.  These are expectations that you have placed on Me.  I have promised only that I will be with you.  Through all the twists and turns, surprise and terror, joy and sorrow, I will be with you.  I will comfort you and I will let nothing happen that does not ultimately work towards the glory of My kingdom.  I am enough.”

When we have an idea of where God is, we need to ask ourselves, “do I see God here because I see evidence of Him, or is it simply where I expect Him to be?”  Is this situation something I need to fix, or do I need to simply enter into God's peace, trusting in His providential permission?

If you're like me, trusting and resting do not come naturally, yet when you are able to let go and enter in, trusting that God is in complete and utter control, the sense of peace and freedom are unparalleled.

30 Years of Life!

Great Wall of China--October 2012

Well, look at that.  Nearly a year later, and I'm STILL alive!  My first year of being in my 30's is shaping up to be quite the adventure.  In the past year, I've traveled to China, Guatemala, and Germany with a variety of friends, begun my 4th year teaching in Thailand, met new people, deepened relationships, and most of all, rediscovered my Joy.  God has been so good to me, and He reminds me daily.

China was a trip I took during my semester break in China.  It was a very challenging trip for a variety of reasons, but it was truly amazing seeing the mixture of ancient and modern right next to each other.  We stayed mostly in Beijing, and were able to see a lot of classic Chinese sights.  My favorite, of course, was the Great Wall.  Note to those wanting to see it: the walk to the top is LONG!  Like, prepare as you would for a hiking trip "long."  On the other hand, completely worth it.

Tikal, Guatemala--April 2013

Guatemala was a chance to see my friend, Eunice, with Esther.  We were able to travel around and see some of the amazing sights Guatemala has to offer, but my favorite part without doubt was when we went to Eunice's work and were able to see how God is moving there.  It was my first time traveling to a third world country, and I can't honestly say that it was an "eye-opener" as my eyes were pretty open beforehand, but it was most definitely a life-altering trip.  I saw God at work, and felt the urge to get involved, yet through it all, God was reminding me that my ministry is elsewhere.  I rejoice in seeing God's work being done, and I also rejoice that I am still certain that I am in God's Will in my own life.

Cologne, Germany--July 2013

Germany was on the more spontaneous end of my trips.  My friend, Ellen, was going to be traveling in Germany, and through a sequence of events was going to be traveling alone.  I checked with my administration, and received permission to take a week off of school to go with her.  It was awesome!!  We started in Frankfurt, then went to Bacharach on the Rhine, Cologne, and finally, Heidelberg.  I haven't been to Europe since I was 18 and traveling for the first time, so it was certainly a treat.  It was so much fun seeing the sights and getting to know Ellen better.  It made having to re-train my kids when I got back completely worth it.


Anyway, the school year is off to a great start.  At the end of last year, I was told to prepare for 24 students, possibly more. The prospect of 24-25 three-year-olds who neither speak English nor know how to be students concerned me, particularly as we had both the space and a suitable applicant for a second class.  After many talks, the administration decided to split the class.  And then, it turned out that a family of triplets left, leaving me with a class of 10.  10!!  I hardly know what to do, I've never had such a small class. 

Me and Imm

Tigger playing with blocks

One of the best things about having such a small class (beyond the sanity-saving effect that it produces) is that I am really getting to know my students better.  It doesn't hurt that their English is coming along much more rapidly as well due to having more opportunities to practice with me.

I love my job, and am so blessed to be happy to go to work in the morning, though I do have the occasional days where I want to put academics on hold and just cuddle with them for the day. 

Well, that's a brief update on my life.  Hopefully I'll add more before I'm 31.  We shall see.  In the meantime, remember: you are fully and completely loved by God.  Act like it.

China 2012--Day 1

Well, technically, I guess this was day 2, since we arrived the night before, but the adventure of finding our hostel pales in comparison to the tale of being in China, so, On with the story!

To welcome us fully into the notion of no longer being in a tropical country, Beijing very graciously decided to have a “cold,” damp day.  It was about 60* so I do feel justified in labeling it as cold.  To me, it felt like it was freezing.  Seriously.  I was wearing my warmest clothes, which admittedly were not all that warm, and just tried to keep moving.

Our first morning was spent by being introduced to the Chinese public transportation system.  For 2 RMB (6 RMB = 1 USD), you can ride the rather extensive subway system, including as many transfers as you need.  It was a rather efficient and inexpensive way to get around, crowded though it may be.  At the time we were doing it, however, I felt very commiserative of rats in a maze as we traveled the walled corridors that twisted underneath the busy streets of Beijing.  Thank goodness we were traveling with someone very familiar with the system.  Having him there spared my certain fate of being a lonely foreigner wandering around with wide eyes pleading for someone to help me find my way home.  It was even more confusing for me than Hwy 1.

Anyway, after the labyrinth of walkways and transfers, we again emerged to the topside to make our way quickly through the crowded streets.  Apparently, people in China really like to make their whereabouts known audibly by employing horns and bells with great gusto.  They certainly preferred using a horn more than using their brakes.  As our friend told us, ‘using the crosswalk really just means you have slightly better odds of making it to the other side.’  Interestingly, there were few raised walkways, so you really just had to take a deep breath and go for it with eyes wide open.  Yes, Mom, I looked both ways.  The traffic was going in the other direction from Thailand; it was a necessity.

Finally, after much hard-paced walking, we arrived at our destination.  Church.  Yes, you read that right.  My first day in China, I was able to openly go to an international church.  Of course, the reason why it was out in the open was because only foreigners were allowed.  No Chinese were permitted.  It was enforced by the Chinese police, and we had to bring our passports to prove we were in fact not Chinese.  I know, I know.  Looking at me, you’d never be able to guess at my Caucasian lineage.

The service was, in a word, awesome.  The worship band was mostly comprised of Africans who had just returned from a worship camp and had determined that they were going to bring us all to Africa with them that day.  We must have spent about 10 minutes singing the same song in a dozen different languages.  It was really cool.  I love hearing our God worshiped in different tongues.  It’s like a glimpse of what Heaven will be like.

After the service, we went to Subway (eat fresh!) for lunch.  Yum!  There’s nothing like traveling all over Asia and eating at Western franchises.  Oh well.  It was still nice to have a real sandwich.

By the time we were ready to head back to the hostel, it was drizzling.  I have to call it drizzling, because after 3 monsoon seasons in Thailand, I just can’t call it actual rain.  It was interesting being cold after the rain, though.  I hadn’t felt that in several years.  I haven’t really missed it.

We were all fairly damp after walking back, so the idea of wandering around the area for a bit was scrapped.  Instead, we played some cards in the hostel, ate some dinner, and then ventured out to do some KTV.  Oh, yes.  Karaoke Television.  It was epic.  What really made it, though, were the 2 tambourines in the room.  Between them and the two mics, we were all participants.

And that was the end of Day 1.